


First Time Saying The Words

by JamieMac26



Series: A Series of Firsts [4]
Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:40:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5683636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamieMac26/pseuds/JamieMac26





	First Time Saying The Words

Alex was frozen. She couldn’t move her feet. She couldn’t move her head. She couldn’t move her eyes from him. There he stood. She hadn’t seen him in years and there he stood.

Matthew stood in the doorway of the place he’d asked her to meet him at. Honestly, he hadn’t thought she’d show up, but there she was. She was just standing there staring at him and he couldn’t help but feel slightly uncomfortable, slightly awkward. It was all exactly like he had felt the first time he’d ever seen her.

He watched as she shook her head. It was something she always did when she was trying to regain focus, regain control. He let go of the door he hadn’t realized he was still holding open and slowly, eased his way towards her. 

Alex started to panic. What was he doing? Why was he coming towards her? What was she doing here? She shook her head again, trying to regain focus. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He had asked her to meet him here and she had agreed. Why had she agreed? Because, she missed him, that’s why. She opened her eyes. He was getting closer to her and the panic was rising quicker. Sit down; you need to just sit down. She backed up, the back of her knees hitting the small table. She lost her balance and almost fell, but there he was, his arm on hers, keeping her from hitting the ground. 

“Are you okay,” His voice was like silk hitting her ears and her knees felt dangerously weak. 

She nodded. It was all she could do. 

“Here, sit down. You look like you might pass out.” He carefully, his hand still gripped her arm, maneuvered her around the table and into the chair she had recently vacated. 

She sat. She kept her head straight, her focus aimed at the door on the other side of the room. She couldn’t look at him. If she looked at him, she’d be lost. She’d be lost in those hazel eyes that still held so many parts of her, of them.

_Alex glanced over at him. His was lost in one of his paintings. He wouldn’t show her what he was working on, something that he did often. He liked them for surprises. She chuckled to herself and rolled her eyes._

_They had been together for several months now and she found herself spending more and more time at his place. It was amazing that they hadn’t grown tired of one another yet. They saw each other almost every day at work and then spent the nights immersed in their own company._

_Alex looked over at him again. She had fallen in love and she had fallen hard. She’s wanted to tell him so many times but never could quite find the right time, the right words. She kept hoping that he’d tell her first, take the pressure off, but everytime she thought he’d say it, she’d be disappointed by the fact that he didn’t._

**_All the lights land on you_ **  
**_The rest of the world fades from view_ **  
**_And all the love I see_ **  
**_Please please say you feel it too_ **

_Their six month anniversary was quickly approaching and Alex had racked her brain on what to do for him. She knew what he wanted, but she wasn’t sure she was quite ready to give him that, just yet._

_She knew what she needed to do. She needed to just take control and tell him how she felt. She needed him to know and she needed to know if he felt the same way. The not knowing had started to eat at her and the anxiousness was driving her crazy._

**_And all the noise I hear inside_ **  
**_Restless and loud, unspoken and wild_ **  
**_And all that you need to say_ **  
**_To make it all go away_ **  
**_Is that you feel the same way too_ **

_She had changed her outfit so many times. It didn’t matter what she wore, she knew that he’d tell her she looked beautiful. God, she loved him. She’d planned it out, going over what she would say in her head. He was taking her to dinner and then, well he’d said the rest was a surprise. She just wanted to tell him, to get it over with, to know if he loved her in the same way._

_Her hands were shaking. Her hands were sweating. Her hands were giving her away. He looked so handsome. He was wearing a suit, and a purple tie that made his eyes dance. His smile was large and the stunning rose he held out to her was starting to make her tear up a little. He held his arm out to her and she gladly took it. His warmth was immediately comforting and she soon had her breathing under control but her heart was racing._

**_And I know_ **  
**_The scariest part is letting go_ **  
**_‘Cause love is a ghost you can’t control_ **  
**_I promise you the truth can’t hurt us now_ **  
**_So let the words slip out of your mouth_ **

_His smile was dazzling. She leaned in closer to him. He made her feel so many things. He made her feel loved and cherished. He made her feel pretty and he made her feel smart. She had felt that she didn’t deserve all of his kindness but she knew that she had it. The scary part for her was that he had her heart. He had all of it. She wasn’t good at letting go of the things she felt she could control but she had known, early on, that if she wanted to be all in, she had to let go._

_She could feel her heartrate pick back up. What if she had let go but it was all for nothing? What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he hadn’t given her his heart? What if he didn’t truly love her?_

**_And all of the steps that led me to you_ **  
**_And all of the hell I had to walk through_ **  
**_But I wouldn’t trade a day for the chance to say_ **  
**_My love, I’m in love with you_ **

_Why was confessing one’s true feelings so hard? Even though she knew, she knew by his actions how he felt. She thought back to the first time they had kissed. How she had taken control and done what he couldn’t at that moment. She had told him that it was about gestures that it wasn’t always about words. Maybe they’d been showing each other, through gestures, how they really felt? Maybe actually saying the words wasn’t really that important?_

**_And I know_ **  
**_The scariest part is letting o_ **  
**_‘Cause love is a ghost you can’t control_ **  
**_I promise you the truth can’t hurt us now_ **  
**_So let the words slip out of your mouth_ **

_He drove them towards the ocean. A moonlit stroll on the beach was her surprise. It was romantic. It was perfect. It was the opportunity she had been waiting for. He pulled into one of the many empty spots. He made her stay in the car until he came around to open her door, always the gentleman. She took his outstretched hand. She removed her shoes as they hit the sand, the feel of it pleasant between her toes. She shivered as the cool breeze brushed across her bare shoulders. He removed his jacket, placing it over her arms, his hand quickly finding hers again. They walked in silence. They both had something they needed to say but both were afraid that the other wouldn’t return their sentiments._

**_I know that we’re both afraid_ **  
**_We both made the same mistakes_ **  
**_An open heart is an open wound to you_ **  
**_And in the wind of a heavy choice_ **  
**_Love is a quiet voice_ **  
**_Still your mind, now I’m yours to choose._ **

_She stopped, tugging on his hand so he would turn and look at her._

_“Matthew,” Her voice was quiet and it caught in the breeze._

_He moved closer to her, his arms reaching out as he begged to hold her. She kept her stand, needing to get out the words before they were lost in the wind._

_“Matthew,” Alex took a breath, “I’ve wanted to say this for a long time…”_

_“I love you…” The words feel from his lips before they could escape hers._

_“You do?” She looked up at him from beneath her lashes. The moonlight cast shadows across his face but she saw it. She saw the look she’d seen so many times before._

_He nodded, “For a long time. Since the first time you kissed me, that was when I knew.”_

_Her hand ran up his arm, “I love you too Matthew, more than words can say.”_

_“Sometimes it isn’t in the words but in the small gestures,” His smiled dance across his lips as he spoke back to her what she had told him all those months ago._

_“I like gestures,” She fell into his embrace. His strong arms enveloped her with all the love he had for her. His breath tickled her ear as he told her again that he loved her._

**_And I know_ **  
**_The scariest part is letting go_ **  
**_Let my love be the light that guides you home_ **

“Are you sure that you’re alright,” Matthew asked her again.

Alex finally turned to look at him and her breath hitched. Words were not going to be easy. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, so many things she needed to tell him, but “Yes, I’m sure,” Was all that she could say.

 **And I know**  
**The scariest part is letting go**  
**'Cause love is a ghost you can’t control**  
**I promise you the truth can’t hurt us now**  
**So let the words slip out of your mouth**


End file.
